Calhouns Can(n)ons

Job Opportunity!


Buried in a small snippet of the County Roundup in the March 12 Tribune, a tiny story that, for reasons that passeth understanding, didn’t make the front page:


“The District Attorney’s Office will not investigate a 1999 contract that the Los Osos Community Services District claims was potentially criminal because a statute of limitations has run out.


San Luis Obispo Chief Deputy District Attorney Steve Brown said there is an exemption to the statute if the alleged problems were recently discovered, but this contract was known to the board for many years. [I presume he means the old CSD Board?)]


Brown added that while his office didn’t do a full investigation, the preliminary analysis of the contract ’found no fraudulent intent.’


In December, the services district alerted the district attorney to alleged irregularities in a contract between the district and Montgomery Watson Harza, the engineering firm that designed the town’s failed sewer project.


The district placed administrative secretary Karen Vega on leave in January, claiming there was “potential criminal liability in how she oversaw the contract. She returned to work last week.”


If you recall, the original issue was this: Former CSD manager signed a contract with Montgomery Watson Harza several weeks before he was hired and weeks before the (old) CSD voted to authorize the contract and payment or anything else. Naturally, being a Tribune story, I don’t think any members of the old board were interviewed to find out what they know about this. As for me, I figured that Mr. Buel had invented a time machine and accidentally set the dials wrong when he was signing the contract. And Vega wasn’t aware Buel was in a time machine, so assumed he’d already been hired and so was authorized to sign anything on behalf of the CSD. And as for the full board not even voting on it as an agenda item to authorize both the signature and spending, well, hell, why quibble bout little stuff like that. So long as they didn’t have any “fraudulent intent,” what’s wrong with shuffling around CSD procedures: Sign and Spend first, vote on it all much later. So much easier that way.


So, I can say that getting the DA’s approval that signing contracts without authorization is really good news for me! I’m gonna start up a new business: CONTRACTS-R-MOI! You want a contract for millions of dollars signed, come see me. For a modest fee, I’ll sign it. I will have no “fraudulent intent” in my heart – Hey, I’m just a nice lady helping out a friend – so whatever I’m signing won’t be illegal.


So, Ernie Dalidio, come on down! If the City refuses to sign that development deal with you, I will! It doesn’t matter that I’m not authorized by the city to sign a parking ticket, let along some kind of development deal worth millions. That minor little detail will only be a civil matter, so sue me after all the money’s been spent and the Target is built and the parking lots are in.


If you have any divorce settlements you want signed on behalf of your wife, bring ‘em in! You know, the kind where YOU get the house, the kids and the Porsche and your mistress gets the bank accounts and the vacation house in Boca Raton? Got any Wills & Estate matters from your rich Uncle Fred? Bring ‘em down. I’ll sign ‘em all.


None of us will go to jail for criminal fraud because the DA will never be able to find out by preliminary checking any “fraudulent intent.” We’ll just claim that we didn’t know we weren’t authorized by the city (or Uncle Fred) to sign anything. Who’s to know?


It’s the start of a new career. One more lucrative than writing this blog, that’s for sure.