Calhouns Can(n)ons

Calhoun’s Cannons, The Bay News, Morro Bay, CA, for October 11, 06

Lordy! Lordy! Miz Scarlett, This Here’s No Place Fer A Lady!

Mah, Dear Cousin Emeline,

Yesterday, when ah got home frum mah Ladies Antimacasser Sewin’ Circle, you know, the one where Miz Hooperlilly alus drops her tea cake crumbs onner lap then her little dawg jumps up to git the crumbs ‘n Miz Hooperlilly shrieks an’ flings her teacup inta the air ‘n it crashes ‘n makes a mess, ‘n the chickens run in frum the back yard ta peck the crumbs, so’n’ the dawg starts chasin’ ‘em, ‘n then the whole place woops inta a uproar?

Anyplace, there wuz some papers hangin’ on mah doorknob when ah got down frum the buggy and ol’ Sam, you remember Sam, our family house servant? went to put the horse away.

Well, I grabbed it right quick and started reading a statement from a candidate for the Los Osos CSD who says right out that “Citizens, particularly women, need to feel safe in attending a LOCSD meeting . . .”

Particularly women? Well, now there it is, Emeline. I mean, how many times have ah tole you, us women, particularly us women, jes’ ain’t safe in them meetings? Oh, I know, I know, it wuz a woman who slapped another woman at one of them meetings one time, but she wuz a no-account sort. And O.K. fer purest, blood-chilling vitriol, it’s hard to beat some of them women who git up ta read frum their written ‘n finely honed public comments. Tough customers, they’ll set yer blood ta ice, they will. And, yes, it wuz some old guy who got hit by some young guy, a run amok off-duty sheriff’s officer that one time. But thet happened inna other room where some drinkin’ mighta been going’ on.

But all I can say is, maybe we should re-hire Mr. Watch What You Say & Mind Yer Manners. Remember him? Our CSD Back Of the Room Police Guy hired to scowl at ever’one ‘n call the Sheriff on folks who are being jerks. Then the Sheriff can hawl ‘em out on the front porch n’ beat the livin’ tar outta ‘em.. Then if that doesn’t shut people up, we should eliminate public comment altogether. Better yet, get rid of the meetings! Doan need any public there. Our elected officials know what’s best for us. We doan need to interfere. Thet only makes things messy ‘n noisy ‘n rude. And no Lady, especially a lady, should be mixed up in that sort of thing. .

Yes, Emeline, I know that awful Calhoun woman will carry on ‘bout how she’s attended board meetings all over the place, including some woop-dee-doopers at School Board where she once tole me she wuz sure somebody wuz gonna start hurling chairs, yet she says she never feels unsafe, that woop-dee-dooping and political theatre is what politics and noisy democracy is all about. Thet as a country we’ve gotten so disengaged frum one another thet we don’t know HOW to express strong opinions without soundin’ like jerks and causin’ someone ta scream Terrorist! ‘n faint. Thet we’ve all turned inta passive spectators, not passionate participants. Thet we mistakenly declare any strong disagreement or criticism to be Attack! Bashing! & Hate Speech! in order to deflect and shut any criticism down. Thet we think we are actually livin’ in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood because we’ve turned ourselves inta hand-wringin’ little chil’ren, ‘fraid of our opinions, ‘fraid of our shadows, ‘fraid of one another, ‘fraid to publicly disagree, ‘fraid to publicly criticize, unwilling to publicly own ‘n honor our opinions ‘n beliefs, ‘n unwilling to publicly hear the opinions of others who disagree with us.

In short, Emeline, that awful Calhoun woman thinks we’ve become a childish people who would hang somebody like Patrick Henry for darin’ ta stand up at a town hall meetin’ and pound the lectern like an adult because, Lordy help us, lectern poundin’ might frighten the women. Especially the women.

But then that Calhoun woman is no-account herself. Plus, I heard from ol’ Miz Thistlewaite thet she packs her granddaddy’s ole .44 inside those ridiculous striped socks she allus wears. .

No, Emeline, it’s time fer women, particularly women, to be made to feel safe at our public CSD meetings! Women, particularly women, should let their menfolks deal with all these political matters. I mean, no real lady would be caught dead in a place like that anyway!

Unless, of course, she’s running for a seat on the LOCSD Board herself.

Sincerely,

Elvira Cunningham