Calhouns Can(n)ons

Oooooo Noooo Part Tewwwwww

According to documents dribbling out from the civil lawsuit regarding Sheriff Pat Hedges secretly taping his chief deputy and reported in the Tribune, “A tearful Pat Hedges punished himself by docking his wages and also told then-Chief Deputy Hoving that Hoving ‘may have been the victim of a crime.’”

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to read about our Sheriff [beginning] to “tear up and grab[bing] a tissue” . . “partly because of the situation and because the two had been talking about Hoving’s son, who died in a motorcycle accident in 2001.”

No, no, no, no tissues. And I don’t want to read the allegation that Hedges’ actions were done outside the usual department procedures, that “he did not consult anyone beforehand about whether the taping was legal and did not tell anyone he was conducting a criminal investigation,” and that he didn’t do any of that because he “made an exception for himself.”

Nor do I want to hear, after all this fine mess, created because the Sheriff “made an exception for himself,” that he earns $700 a day.

What I should have been reading is a headline that says, “Sheriff resigns, says, ‘I really screwed up big time, sorry.’” No tears, just the sound of the door slamming on his way out. Followed by a grand jury investigation to see if the Department itself, and its procedures, have been muddled up by a leadership that makes himself “an exception,” or whether this was a one-time fluke and the department is basically sound.

Ooooohhh, Nooooooo Part Threeeeee

Aw dang! Remember “Bob,” that goofy smiling doofus on the TV ads, all thrilled about his new-found, uh, “confidence?” And Bob’s wife, all a-twitter and cooing on about Bob’s, uh, new-found, uh, male “enhancement,” while surrounded by enough phallic symbols to make Adonis blush?

Well, the product, “Enzyte,” has been yanked from the shelves and the inventor of Bob’s newfound happiness, Steven Warshak, is going to the slammer for 25 years, where it’s likely that some fellow cell-mates named Bubba need neither Enzyte nor Viagra to make Warshak’s life a living hell.

But Poor Bob. No more smiles. Poor Mrs. Bob. She’ll have to garage sale all those tall, round, stiff tea-glasses and very tall, really, really stiff straws and things. And poor Bob, he won’t have any friends at all since he lost all his, uh, confidence. He’ll have to play golf alone with his long, long, stiff clubs and dive alone into the swimming pool, no be-suited cute young things to gawk at his baggy trunks. Pretty soon, Mrs. Bob will divorce the poor slob, citing his infernal grinning as cruel and unusual punishment, and take the house and kids and Poor Bob will end up out on the street, maybe with some of those tall, round, stiff tea-glasses for company.

Ooooooo Noooo, Part Forrrrrr

Oh, dear. You think Poor Bob has trouble. Consider the Poor Republicans. Great Speech by our Caribou-Shooting Hockey Mom, Veep Wannabe, a red-meat speech hitting on all the Conservative Mantras – i.e. those evil democrats want to tax you and spend all your money (Maybe on decent health care, please? Fix the roads and bridges? Maybe work on infrastructure that’s been moldering for years while Wall Streeters made out like bandits? and such like?)

But the funniest note was this: We Republicans need to go to Washington and clean out that nest of vipers!

Right, you mean all the Republicans who have had control of “Washington” for years and years and who created the disastrous mess we’re in? Those vipers?

Well, that’s par for the course. Interesting, for last night at least, I didn’t hear much of what the Republicans were for or had planned, if elected, but I sure did hear a lot about Barack Obama. He must feel flattered that they would spend so much critical prime time sticking pins in him (It’s Obama this, Obamma that, 24/7, prime time) and so little time outlining what they have in mind – except going to Washington to clean out their fellow Republican snakes, that is.

Meantime, the Rovian Playbook is working full time casting Republicans as Victim and Palin as a “victim” of the Liberal Media for DARING to inquire about her qualifications to be president. OUTRAGEOUS! The same press that McCain refers to as “my base,” is now being cast as the wicked hounds unfairly trying to bring down the fleet, beautiful, hockey-Mom Diana.

Comical.

But such dishonest hokum worked in the past. It may well work this time, too. Never underestimate the power of the American people to swallow style for substance, especially when substance demands some tough pills for everyone to gag down. Nope, much easier to go with the Image. Let the NEXT administration deal with the tough stuff.