Put Down The Dog And Step Away From The Trash Can

Ah, I love the Tribune's "County Roundup" section -- little snippets of news stories that, becuse they are snippets, intrigue for what's often missing.  Take the story a couple of days ago, "Shot fired over dog doo dispute." written by Cynthia Lambert. 

Seems a couple were walking down Santa Ynez St. (1100 block, here in Los Osos) and "noticed a sign warning people not to leave dog excrement in the garbage container . . " which, I presume was sitting out on the street.  The story isn't clear, but apparently there was a sign on (?), next to (?) the trash can saying not to dump dog doo in there.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. According to the story, "When the man peered into the container, [Christopher Patrick ] Dierks (67), came out of the house and the two men started arguing. Dierks went back inside, came out with a 12-gage shotgun and fired one shot into the ground about 10 feet away from the couple"

No one was injured but Mr. Dierks got his behind arrested and taken to County Jail where he would be charged "with negligent discharge of a firearm and brandishing a firearm."

O.K., so far, so good, but here's a few puzzles.  Were the couple walking a dog at the time?  The story doesn't say.  If they weren't, if there was no dog with them, then why did the man peer into the trash can?  I mean, you're walking down the street, minding your own business, you don't have a dog, don't know anything about a dog, you see a trash can with a sign on it saying, "don't put dog doo in this thing," and so the very first thing you do is to immediately rush over to open the lid and peer in???

Looking for . . . . what? 

Unless you did have a dog with you and did drop a bag full of your dog doo into the can. Both of which Mr. Dierks likely saw, like maybe he was lurking by the front window, waiting to see if somebody would be stupid enough to take the bait and drop dog doo into a can saying "no dog doo."

But that will have to remain one of the mysteries of this story since the story makes no mention of the presence of a dog.

But we do know what happened next:  Mr. Dierks hollered at the couple for opening, for peering, for standing near his trash can, and the couple apparently started arguing  back.

Again, a mystery.  What kind of doofus, first peers into a trash can for no reason, then when told to Go away, Leave my trash can alone, Beat it! Shoo! starts back-talking?  Anyone with sense would say, Oops, Sorry, give a wave and keep walking.  Of course, anyone with any sense wouldn't be peering into trash cans in the first place.

And another mystery.  While it's very bad manners to drop your trash into other people's trash cans, is dog doo in a plastic bag worse by a factor of 10 than other noisome things that end up in trash cans?  So hideous it's worth getting a gun out?  After all, a garbage can isn't a dinner plate, so what's the difference?  Unless, of course, the doo in question isn't in a plastic bag but has been picked up in great goopy clumps with the bare hands and dumped in and scraped off onto the can lid.  But how likely is that?   

The rest of the story, of course, is clear.  Mr. Dierks goes and gets his 12-gage and fires it into the ground and gets his ass arrested -- a perfect NRA Poster Boy with anger issues, guilty of Walking While Stupid.  (Not that the trash-can-peerer is any Einstein either.)

End of story, except for the mystery: Where's the dog? Surely there had to be a dog.

Put Down The Coffee Cup And Step Away From Yer Mules. 

Yes,  another Walking While Stupid story. John C. Sears, "Mr. Mule Guy," who has been trekking all over the country with his mules, camping where he will, showed up in SLOTown and got arrested for "illegal camping." 

Naturally, he pitched a fit.  Went on his website -- 3mules.com --  and  Facebook page (Yes, this is a 21st Century story -- Crusty, Endearing, Old Western Trekking Coot w/Mules has a website and FB page) to whine and complain about how he, out of everyone in the world, should be allowed to camp anywhere he wanted to just because he's a Crusty, Endearing, Old Western Trekking Coot w/ Mules, Please Send Money.

What makes Coot so ridiculous -- besides his infantile belief in his own specialness -- is that he has full access via his social media to endless campsites from a variety of people who would love to host a Crusty Old Coot for overnight stays.  Instead, he chooses to play the victim in his own silly drama.  Like he's watched "Lonely Art The Brave" too many times and thinks he's Kirk Douglas.

Something a genuine Old Trekker would never think to do. They knew there's traveling smart and there's traveling dumb.  It's a lesson Mr. Sears apparently needs to learn.  Perhaps once he gets settled in a proper camping area and is sitting around the campfire staring at his mules, the ghost of old Jim Bridger will come pay him a visit and they can have a little chat before he heads off down the road.