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Monday, July 14, 2008

We're Queer but We're Not Heeeeeeerrreee.....

Story in the July 13 L.A. Times: "U.S. Census Bureau won't count same-sex marriages. The federal agency plans to edit the responses of legally married gay and lesbian couples."

Bwa-hahahah. Bush & Company have disgracefully earned the reputation of letting political dogma trump science and even facts, those "facts" which Reagan said were "stubborn things." Now we have the U.S. Census Bureau, our official National Counting Office, you know, the neutral, accurate, detail-oriented department thats charged by Congress to look at reality on the ground, will now be fudging the numbers.

Notes the Times: "The U.S. Census Bureau, reacting to the federal Defense of Marriage Act and other mandates, plans to edit the 2010 census responses of same-sex couple who marry legally in Caliofnria, Massachusetts or any other state. They will be reported as "unmarried partners," rather than married spouses, in census tabulations -- a policy that will like draw the ire of gay-rights groups..

"The Census Bureau followed the same procedure for the 2000 census, and it does not plan to change in 2010.

"Critics say the census plan will mask the records of legally married same-sex couple and therefore degrade the quality of the government's demographic data.

" ' I just think it's bad form for the census to change a legal response to an incorrect response,' said Gary Gates of the Willaims Institute, a think tank at the UCLA law school that studies gay-related public policy issues. 'That goes against everything the census stands for.'"

Gosh, ya think?

On the other hand, think of the possibilities. After all, we have an administration that had the head of the EPA, uh, "edit" some of those stubborn "facts" on its reports, spin the meaning, alter the truth, make things sound better, doncha know. So why not the census?

I say, get out those erasers and have all the census takers cross their fingers when they take the oath to record truthfully. Think fof the possibilities? Does the administration think there's too many Mexicans self reporting? Maybe the numbers would reflect badly on itself? You know, maybe raise too many questions about illegal immigration and just who's hiring all these south-of-the- border folks? Well, just tell the census taker to change the racial designation. Tell 'em, Sorry, the Mexican box is full. We'll make you Samoan.

Will too many poor people begin to show up? If so, then simply check the next highest income box. Too many low paying, dead end jobs being recorded? Simply set a quota for people reporting they work part time at Wal-Mart. Past a certain number, just start bumping people up to Denny's or Mcdonalds. Heck, why stop there, check the box, "Laywer," or "Brain Surgeon." Can't have too many of those!

Yep, Made Up Nation. It's a Photo-Shopped world. All those unpleasant facts -- global warming, failed banks, impoverished millions, crappy health care -- all can be brushed aside by the Census so we can end up with a rosy-cheeked, Panglossian picture of The Greatest Nation On Earth, made manifest by the amazing number of Samoan Brain Surgeons living in Million Dollar Homes in Detroit.

Only in America! Is this a great country, or what?

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Reminds me of when we counted black people as 3/5ths of a person.

Churadogs said...

Hahahah. Saaaay, think you're onto something. Since "facts" are so annoying, think of all the Fun With Math we could have!

Come to think of it, why not Lobby the Census Bureau, like we lobby lawmakers to write laws helpful to our business and/or cause. Since federal money often follows census numbers (i.e. lots of poor folks in Hogspit, West Virginia? Send money.) Like maybe Lobbyists for plastic surgeons could pay big bucks to have the census count phonied up to show an absolutely alarming dearth of plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, EEEEK! SEND MONEY! Or, Uh-Oh, there's absolutely NO Doctors accepting new Medicare Patients in San Luis Obisbo County, SEND MONEY! (Oh, wait, that's actually an accurate account.)

Or, well you get the idea. Businesses could pay big bucks to lobby to phony up the numbers and so funnel federal coin of the realm to help the aunto industry, or tire manufacturers (no tires in Baltimore!!! SEND MONEY) And so forth.

And here in Los Osos, maybe we could have the census takers note that there are ABSOLUTELY NO TOILETS IN LOS OSOS, SEND SEWER MONEY!

See? Aren't "facts" fun?

*PG-13 said...

Reminds me of President Ahmadinejad of Iran's claims:

"In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. We don't have that like in your country. ... In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have this."

The Bush administration seems to be following his example. If they got no gays then we got no gays too, right?

Churadogs said...

Hey, we'll be able to "prove" it by our census figures. No married gays in this country, see?