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Saturday, February 20, 2010

Oh, Dear God, Pluuuzzzzeee Go Away!

Well, it’s official. We’re all suffering from the Oprahfication of America. Go on TV, cry, talk about your petty, pathetic private sins, talk glowingly about your “recovery” program from addiction to sex, drugs, gambling, money, whatever, beg The Public for forgiveness, then claim that you’re ready to “move on.”

We all know the drill. But why is Tiger Woods standing up there before the cameras apologizing to The Public?

Man plays golf. Was he found guilty of cheating at golf? Fudge his score cards with a little slight of hand and a Pink Pearl eraser? Kick the ball into the cup when nobody was looking? Pick up a ball during the Masters and quick like a bunny toss it down the fairway for a better lie? Use steroids or other banned substances in order to get an improper or illegal competitive edge on his rivals? Use unauthorized clubs or balls to cheat and improve his game in violation of golfing rules? Are there any golfing rules that ban golfers from cheating on their wives?

No. No. And No.

Man plays golf. He plays reeeeeeeely good golf. He makes a lot of money playing golf because, well, he plays golf better than anybody on the face of the earth. Golf. That’s all the public deserves from Tiger. Good golf. Clean golf. No-cheating golf. Winning golf. That’s all. The rest is private, not public.

So, Tiger, you want to apologize to your wife and family and friends for behaving like a jerk, go right ahead. All you owe The Public is honest golf. So, please shut up and go away.

Thank you.

5 comments:

annerallen said...

I agree 100% that all the man should have to do in public is play golf. But he tried shutting up and going away and it destroyed his career. (If he'd just gone on Oprah the day after the incident, the whole thing would be forgotten by now.)

Even the goddam stock exchange pretty much shut down yesterday while he performed his little prepared piece. We've become such a voyeuristic culture, we wouldn't let him get back to business without major drama. (It was the lead news story on all the networks, for goodness' sake!)

Now its the MEDIA that needs to shut up and go away.

Mike Green said...

I like to play golf.
when I play I play (pretty much) by the rules taught to me when I was a kid.
You keep your own score
You penalize yourself.
The game is very old, it has cultural wisdom.
When it's all said and done, if you want to ruin a good walk, Golf will be there.

Churadogs said...

I couldn't believe the coverage yesterday. We have all gone nuts. Truly. This is all kabuki nation, a fake performance to script, utterly meaningless just so long as the proper form has been adhered to. Heard a comment on the radio the other day that the only people he wanted to hear apologizing is Cheney and Bush for starting the Iraq war, Yoo and that other guy for giving "protective cover" to the Prez for war crimes waterboarding, the financial "Smartest guys in the Room" who brought down the economy, all the crooks that knowingly wrote bad loans, etc.etc.etc. in other words, all the people who actually harmed "The Public" and who SHOULD be the ones standing up there apologizing to "The Public."

Alon Perlman said...

Golf is an individual mental game.
A mind-body-tool-magic. A reverse of the physical process by which an ape can use a stick to extract a nice round pale-white dimpled maggot out of a hole in a log.

As Tiger says (in a clip coming soon to a blog comment posting near this one).
”A player has only two things to conquer.”
(No, it's not-“his wife and his mistress”.)

Which is why I never paid for lessons or a good set of clubs.
And it is a social game of competition.
(Mike G what is your tolerance for playing with old established amateurs, are you in the area still?)

Honest golf- (and as per MG) You keep your own score!
The Highest scoring club- Graphite Core, Usually a hexagonal construction. Usually dark green, and at 3-2½ inches, the shortest club in the set. Available free at the Clubhouse/Pro-Shop. For the severely handicapped, can be used in conjunction with the unattached “Pink Pearl eraser”.

An honest mental game overcoming real world physics.
It is therefore incompatible with anything media related (As per AnneR, and as in a previous day's post by SewerToons- "The Opiate of the masses").

Tiger got caught up in a different media phenomenon, Hero worship. That comes with a different set of false standards. (And therefore he made most of his (his wife’s) money, from NOT playing Golf). And it comes prepackaged with all the unnecessary extras, such as “It’s not about race”. And the new favorite media side discussion “Has the media gone too far? We will come back to the panel discussion about our coverage of people talking about people talking, but first; Michael Vick with a message from our sponsor, EuKanuba”


And because it was running its unrelenting square mouth at me all day long- Sister at the Sports-Bar; “Sexual addiction? Puh-Huh-Leeeyze, he’s just a dog.”

For prurient interest seekers-look for the real Tiger interview, much more honest.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/


From the collection “Quaint cultural traditions of the white man” (South African);

The white man dresses up in clothes of wild colors and patterns, He leaves his house and goes out into an open field. With great ceremony, he takes a stick from a bag. He uses it to push a little white ball into a hole in the ground, and then the great rains come.


Curling, Anyone?

Mike Green said...

You see, no matter how bad the media portrays golfers, it wont have much effect on those that actually play golf.
This is a good thing.
Alon, I'm sorry, I'm about 1000 mies north now.
Next time I'm down fer sure!