Thursday, May 19, 2011

Aw, Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Aw, Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

According to Harold Camping of the Family Radio Broadcasting Network, using numerology of his own making, the Rapture will occur on Saturday May 21st (or maybe 12:01 Friday May 20th?). At that moment, the Rapture will sweep up the faithful, the rest of us will face five months of natural disasters and much suffering, then God will destroy the entire universe. Ka-Boom! Gone. Poof.

Naturally, some wags have started a website (www. ) which, for a fee, will promise to look after your pets (no horses or camels at this point; their kenneling space is limited). And, of course, there’s sure to be a brisk sale in the bumper-sticker trade: “When the Rapture Comes, Can I Have Your Mercedes?”

I’m also facing a quandary. I took The Mighty Finn McCool back to Dr. Szabo for a follow-up chiropractic treatment for his kinked neck. Since Dr. Szabo’s going to be gone for two weeks, starting Friday the 20th, we’re going to watch Finn carefully, then if he’s doing well, schedule the next follow up as close to Friday as possible so his treatment will buy as much time as possible while she’s gone.

But, there it is: Decisions, decisions, decisions. Take Finn in on Friday and by midnight I’ll be heading up to heaven thinking, “Oh, Crap! I coulda save myself forty-smackaroonies.” Or save a few bucks on treatment and figure Finn can just look out for himself. Or call the eternal-earthbound-pets organization and send them a large chunk of change. The only problem is they probably wouldn’t get Finn back in for his follow-up and the poor guy would have to suffer with a kinked neck while I’m floating around in heaven not giving a fig about his suffering.

Oh, what would Jesus do?

I know, I’m mocking dear sweet Mr. Camping and his followers, but c’mon, people have been predicting the ending of the world almost from the day the world started. Which is really such a fascinating phenomenon to me.

For example, what is it about Christianity that has, at its core, a hatred/fear/distain/disgust with corporeal existence? It’s that old Manichean Heresy in all its manifestations. Instead of cherishing God’s creation and loving and blessing and caring and being grateful for all of his splendors, a powerful strain of Christianity believes the world to be a wicked manifestation of the Devil, evil temptations all ‘round, a state of being devoutly wished to be exited from as quickly as possible. At the same time as it despises all that is worldly, Christianity strictly forbids makes exiting this awful place by suicide verboten. Which then sets up the odd religious notion that God must want humans to suffer in a hellish world, which lands us back into Manicheanism, which was also declared a “heresy” by the Catholic Church. Jeesh, would somebody make up their minds?

The end result of this core hatred of life is a religion that isn’t healthy for children and other living things. I mean, if you loved and cherished the world as an outward manifestation of God’s creation, why would you keep dreaming up and lovingly, droolingly, obscenely focusing on all the horrible ways it and all its creatures will suffer and die in sadistically awful ways? Except you, of course. That’s the ego-ridden mentality of somebody who pulls wings off flies while dreaming up even more elaborate ways to make the fly suffer. In short, that’s a mentality that profoundly DOESN’T LIKE God’s creation very much.

Well, I’m sure Mr. Camping will wake up Saturday morning profoundly disappointed to find himself still here in this terrible, awful, hideous, sinfully tempting place. (Chocolate! Mangoes! Sex! A baby’s smile!) Then he’ll go back and re-do his self-invented numerology and announce the NEXT rapture.

Then spend the precious moments of his life totally missing every splendid manifestation of God that’s all around him; splendor in a grain of sand, beauty in a bat’s wing, awe in the thunderstorm, all of which, every second of every day allotted to us demands a cry from the heart: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!


Sewertoons said...

Check out Gary Trudeau's cartoon Doonsbury in today's paper Trib.

Churadogs said...

Wonder what the good Reverend will say today? Aw, Dang? Shit happens? Oops? or, Please send mo' money, mo' money, because, obviously, my Numerology adding machine/calculator was broken and is in need of expensive repair, plus Daddy needs a new pair of shoes?

Sewertoons said...

Delusional doesn't begin to describe this guy.

Alon Perlman said...

So I was gone since Friday and just came back.
The streets of Los Osos were deserted and the sidewalks were all rolled up.
Is there anybody out there??

Just kidding…
I didn’t get this mark on my forehead from bumping into the kitchen cabinet y’know
#000036 of 144000

One member of one lost tribe
Got a ticket to ride
See some of y’all on the other side.

As for the rest of you; enjoy these Nine scrolls

Sewertoons said...

Thanks Alon, these are great!!! And welcome back!

Sewertoons said...

Bummer! Not only am I not sealed, but unraptured to boot! Oh well, guess I'll just go out and ENJOY the day! (Joy being a scary word in some people's thinking. It might meant too much! And then we are all outta control!)