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Monday, March 01, 2010

I Am Somebody, At Last!


Did you get yours yet? I did. Direct from Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee. A letter saying that House Speaker Nancy Peolosi and others are going to raise taxes, impose government rationed health care and weaken our national security. And the only thing that can stop that terrible fate is me and my 2010 Platinum Card. Oh, and sending money, of course. Lots of it.

But for sending my nice money, I get this really swell silver credit card sized, well, cardboard card. It has my name and some numbers on it embossed and raised up so at first you think it’s maybe an exclusive credit card or one of those affinity cards. Or can be used to buy a side order of fries at McDonalds or something. But no. It’s just a cardboard card. But, Michael Steele wants to know that I received my 2010 Platinum Card in excellent condition. And that I’m proud to accept this prestigious honor, and check a little box saying I’m sending $1,000 in order to stop Nancy Pelosi from killing my granny.

So, it’s pretty wonderful. Imagine. Me getting such an amazing honor. But there’s only one problem. I’ve spent about an hour reading all the paperwork that comes with my prestigious honor and STILL can’t find anywhere that says what it is I’m to do with the card. Put it in my wallet and carry it around for a while? I mean, what’s with that? And how would I share this amazing honor with people. Like, say, I’m at the checkout at Ralphs with some parsnips and a few cartons of yogurt and some little cans of dog food for The Lady Emma, who’s so old and goofy and toothless now I have to mush up her kibble and put some little mooshed up dog food for flavor on it or else she won’t eat it, and maybe I have a loaf of that really wonderful whole grain artisan bread (after all, I’m now somebody special and deserve some of that wonderful artisan bread to go with my bowl of soup), am I supposed to say to the checker, “Here’s my Ralph’s card, Oh, and wait, let me show you my 2010 Republican Party Platinum Card, too!”

I mean, what’s with that? Not exactly a conversation starter, now is it? Unless the checker has a Granny that needs killing. And right now my wallet’s full, but at least the cards I have in there actually do something, like I recently used my Kohl card to get a life-saving Shark Steam Mop and danged if that thing works so amazing the floor’s never been cleaner with less elbow grease. It’s a miracle, what with living in a House of Sand & Mud With A Bunch Of Dogs With Muddy Feet, I can tell you. And I recently checked out some books from my library with my library card.

But my new Platinum Card? It won’t work at the library. And I certainly don’t think it would work at Kohl’s, either. Well, no matter. Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee believes that I have an exemplary record of loyalty and patriotism, thereby proving that I’m the caliber of leader he needs to stop Nancy Pelosi from killing my Granny and turning America into a socialist state being run by a godless Muslim of African persuasion.

Still, with a matter of such important national interest, you’d think I could at least maybe get a side of fries with the darned thing. Not a large side, just a little side. O.K., and maybe a cuppa joe.

17 comments:

Spectator said...

Congratulations Ann!

You have been selected from a unique group to receive the card. It is an honor. These cards are usually reserved for pigeons and gullible people who are easily led to give up their cash.

However, I am surprised that it came from Michael Steel (Republican Party) rather than Pelosi. From your political musings, it would seem to me that you would logically belong to Pelosi's constituency of takers.

Send the card to Pelosi! Share the honor!

Mike Green said...

Screw the card, the mop info is great, my wife couldn't decide which device to buy, now we know, THANKS.
The card? Go have a little bonfire outside and brew some tea with the heat, just one tiny little cup.

Churadogs said...

Mike, yes, tell your wife, get the Shark deep pocket steam mop with the extra long cord. I was very dubious about the whole enterprise. As I said, I live in a house of mud and sand and muddy paws and have some wonderful microfiber hand mops, but you have to rinse out the mop heads every few feet, it seems, so I had visions of this steam mop as in mop a square foot, stop, unplug, rinse mop head, dry mop head, mop another square foot, repeat. But, no, the head flips over so you have two sides (and can buy extra mop head covers) and I can do the kitchen and most of the dining room with one mop head, put on another and do a good portion of the hall and the livingroom that's not under the dog beds. Save up your mop heads (you can buy extra) soak 'em in a bucket of soapy water, then toss them in the washing machine (alone, not with linty clothes that can ruin them) and voi la, good to go. I am very, very impressed with the thing.

Spectator: Yeah, I guess Michael Steele's too busy being hip and cool and gangsta to discover that they've got the wrong person to send this card to. But come to think of it I did get an offer years ago from the elder George Bush to send him money and he'd send me a full color photo of him and his wife, Barbara, suitable for framing, so clearly I've been on that mailing list for some time. Can't think how that happened.

Alon Perlman said...

I'm noticing a yellow cast on the photograph. The card appars to be golden.
So my question is; is it really platinum (silver) card in daylight?

I know that you may be reduced to using candles indoors, so the photograph didn't come out in true colors;
(the letter states that "the democrats ... (missing text) ...you put gas in your car or turn on a light in your house."

You would think that sending 1000 $
should be sufficient to get noticed, rather than needing the official
"Authorized Signature Confirming Platinum Card Receipt ____________________________ Date _____________"
Wonder what procedure the ЯNC uses to match the signature on the Check to the "Authorization Signature".
What if the date you put in is not the date signed? is the Platinum membership still valid? Is the Contract on America still valid? (Excuse me, "With America")
What if you send a check for the monetary equivalent of a small medallion, a copper (and other alloys) casting of a side view of a bust of President Lincoln?
As long as you sign the receipt letter you shold retain privelage over someone who casually tosses out a few hundred thou,
but fails the dilligence of a properly signed, dated, submitted Receipt form.
(Remember to Check " [ ] Other $______" if you send millions to pennies but not in the 1000-500-250-100-50-25 provided increments.
It's all very mysterious.
I tried to read on, but the photograph reveals only a few tantalizing hints "...Platinum Card so prestigious...". "Only a select few chosen to receive..."
Obviously I haven’t read all the small print either.
You can deny it all you want, Ann but the letter clearly states “..and I believe your record of-(truncated)”.
So you must have worked hard as a closet Яepublican to have come to the attention of the upper echelons of the Party.
In fact, Mr. Steele EXPECTS you to correspond back on a first name basis! (" [ ] Yes Michael, I received...")

So, please share the rest of the letter with us less privilaged.

Nothing cuts through dirt like a hot towel.
I cut the tops off old gym socks and flip the bottoms inside out. Size 9-11 streach nicly over most square mop applicators.
The steamer is also environmentally superior esp over the new pre moistened disposables for those square mops.
Heloise

Donna said...

ok, you're the first person EVER to write a funny piece on getting a cardboard "member" card from a fundraising entity.

CONGRATULATIONS!

you win...my hearty laugh!

Churadogs said...

Alon sez:"I'm noticing a yellow cast on the photograph. The card appars to be golden.
So my question is; is it really platinum (silver) card in daylight?"

Quirk of my little e-camera. I took two shots, one further away and that showed silver. for some reason the closer one went golden, maybe from the flash? The flourescent light over the table is a warm light (vs the bluish ones) so maybe that tinted it?) And, no,I'm not a closet Republican, but somehow got on their hit list. Of course, I'm on every catalogue list west of the Ural Mountains and they all share lists, so who knows. I bought some dog stuff once from Cabela's catalogue, so I'm sure to be on the NRA's list as a "hunter," I bet.

Sewertoons said...

Cabela's has the best bed sheets ever; the Polar Fleece Sheets! They are unbelievable! Way better than flannel!!

Guess I'm on that list too… ugh.

Churadogs said...

Polar Fleece sheets? How do they wash and dry? Flannel can take forever to dry on the clothesline (not to mention the dryer). The fleece doggie throws I have tons of dry very quickly. Hmmm, wonder if the sheets would wash and dry as quickly. Do tell.

Sewertoons said...

Cold water, low heat on drier! Faster than flannel! They are probably made of something terrible, but they sure keep you warm when the heater is off at night.

Mike Green said...

Thanks Toons! We are adjusting to the colder diggs (Well I confess I'm the one adapting as my wife turns out to be half eskimo, a fact not discovered until the mid fifty's, but that is TMI I'm sure)
And the fleece sheets sound good. Thanks

Sewertoons said...

You are welcome Mike Green! (My husband is a fan of these sheets too!) Good luck adapting!!

I can't believe that we are having this discussion - thanks Ann for bringing up Cabela's! For a stranger type of catalog, it has no peer!

Churadogs said...

toonces sez:"I can't believe that we are having this discussion - thanks Ann for bringing up Cabela's! For a stranger type of catalog, it has no peer!"

I love Cabela's catalogue. There's another wonderful one I get, Minnesota something or other, filled with wonderful drawings and waaayyy cool work stuff -- carpenter pants, extra long tee shirts to hide butt crack, weird tools and odd handy doo-dads. Think Time or Newsweek did a write up on the company. That catalogue and Cabela's always reminds me of my much beloved (and late lamented now gone) Cuesta Equipment Co store out by the airport. I used to love to roam around in there looking at all the stuff, 99% of which I had absolutely no clue what it would be used for. It was a wonderful place!

And thanks for the tip on fleect sheets. Will keep an eye out for them. I turned the central furnace off years ago, so fleecy sheets that dry quicker than flannel on my solar dryer sound like just the thing.

As for discussing bedsheets on the blog? Why not, we talk about soup and sewers, why not fuzzy woobie bedsheets?

Sewertoons said...

You are absolutely right Ann! Sheets ARE a worthy topic! Could you be thinking of a Carhartt? (But their HQ is in Dearborn Michigan.) Aerostitch in Duluth maybe?

And I don't always say so, but the poems that you post are lovely and an asset to exercising THINKING. I don't always stop for poetry these days, something that I used to spend HOURS on, so I really appreciate these singular and well culled offerings that give me an instant hit - I don't have to weed through the duds to get to the great ones! Thank you!

Back to Cabela's - just got a new catalog yesterday - "Home and Cabin!" There is a drunken moose wine bottle holder and a Cuisinart soft-serve ice cream maker and collapsible camo hampers and a three antler white-tail (deer antler) lamp and digital game feeders! There is a cot that features a drop down panel "night stand" with a toilet paper holder! What fun! Stuff like this makes America great AND nuts!

Churadogs said...

Duluth Trading Company, that was the other catalogue that's too cool. Whoever's doing the illustrations is a hell of a draftsman.

As for poems, I also give the book they're from, so if you like the poet, do go buy the book, many are inexpensibe paperback. Support your local and not so local poet.

And, a three antler white-tail deer lamp. Wheeeee!

Sewertoons said...

I'll look up Duluth Trading Company - sounds like fun!

Good idea on the poems, reading poetry is like working a puzzle - makes grooves in the brain and is quite enjoyable! Yes, poets and (local bookstores) need our support!

Churadogs said...

Re poetry, if you like a particular poem, since many poetry collections are now in paperback, it's affordable to track the poet down and get one of his collections or latest. That's what I did with Billy, for example. Read one of his poems in the New York and said, Wow, I gotta read more of this guy. It's sorta like sampling music; if you like the sound, go buy the album. Keep your local artists and poets alive and fed!Buy their works and enjoy.

Alon Perlman said...

Toons; If it makes it through the windshield and lands on the back seat still clutching the bottle,
you know you have a high quality "drunken moose wine bottle holder".